Will I ever know?

I was just listening to Fray’s, How to Save a life and somehow, everytime I listen to it, it makes me cry. And no not sob uncontrollably but the tears which make me feel helpless and so out of control of fate and destiny.

The reason it makes me so irrationally afraid and sad is that yea of course I’d stay up with you all night had I known how to save a life. I’d do it a hundred times. But the point is...will I know when it’s necessary? How do I know if I should have done it before and how the hell do I know when to do it again? It’s really haunting.

I’d lay down a list and all. I would...but how do I know when. Will I be too late...AGAIN?

Every single day, I'll be missing you.

I know it’s been 6 long years and I should be well on my way to recovery...but somehow it’s hard to ever get over what happened.

So I thought I would write you a letter in my blog to just check in with you and let you know...I’m ok. I hope you are alright as well and that Mum, Dad and Big sister are well too. Your sister’s voice still tells me to shallow swim in the seas by the way! Haha! Nutters. You both!

Anyway, I’m now working. Yes yes I am capable of doing such things. No need to mock me pest! And yea I work right opposite your house. Wish I could come over and eat all that yummie food. Mmmmmmmmm.

OK ok listen Andy Roddick has pulled out of the French Open and Simon Cowell and Paula have left Idol. It’s now JLo, Randy and Steven Tyler. Yes...bleh. Then the other news is, ok wait, BLUE has disbanded I think. Remember my blue raincoat! Haha! Oh man it was bright!

My sister is getting married this November. I wish you were here. I’d have loved to see you attempt to strut about in a Sari. I can picture a pair of jeans on under the pretty silks!

Now the reason I’m writing this is so I can say a few things.

I miss you more than I should. Or I thought I could. I didn’t show it 6 years ago because you and I...we’re the toughies right. On the outside atleast.

Anyway, I sort of bottled it up all these years and pretended I was ok. But I'm not. It numbed me when it happened and I pretended I was fine. I didn't cry when I should have. I feel I didn't show I missed you and you deserved to be shown that. But I felt it. I missed you like crazy and I still do. But then I just didn't want to make Disha feel I wasn't strong when she needed me. Or Vibha. By the way they miss you tons and tons every day too.

The truth is I hate that everytime Andy Roddick plays I expect you to call and tell me all about your delightful views on the game. I miss listening to you judge American Idol in your Simon Cowell voice and clap like Paula. I pretended everytime that it didn't affect me but the reality is that this time something has changed and I feel like it's all happening in real time again.

Every time I add pictures of my friends on my desk and see us all change...it hurts because your picture will never change. But in a way as a good friend pointed out…things with us will never change.

I miss you Urmila. But I have not a single bad memory with you. And that won’t change. I love you. Eternally.

xxxx

Kanki

PS - I still think the name Ursula suits you splendidly!